


Kangaroo court

by Zoya113



Category: Black Friday - Team StarKid, The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals - Team StarKid
Genre: M/M, Shitposting hours, abt 3k of these guys reading each other, just guys being dudes, they r being kind I swear
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:41:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27399661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zoya113/pseuds/Zoya113
Summary: Kangaroo court - an unofficial court held by a group of people in order to try someone without good evidenceaka the PEIP gang just go at each other in a mostly light hearted manner
Relationships: Xander Lee/John McNamara
Comments: 4
Kudos: 9





	Kangaroo court

“I’ve literally never seen you without those glasses on.” The silence in McNamara’s office was broken by the colonel, a collection of papers in her hand, presumably for him to sign.

“Well, I like these glasses,” Xander gave an amused but uncertain response, stepping back from his husband’s desk to let Schaeffer by but she stayed in the door. “I wasn’t wearing them at the DFAC last night. You saw me then,” he pointed out, skeptical on her use of ‘literally.’

“Yes but why are you wearing them inside?” She asked again, paused in the doorway until she could get an answer.

“They block out blue light,” he said, taking them off just to make his point that he wasn’t always wearing them. “They’re good for the lab.” 

“Well there’s no reason for that shape, they’re a bit intense,” she declared, opening her jaw to talk again when someone bustled in from behind, leaning over her broad shoulders since she was blocking the doorway. 

“Are you talking about mine?”

“Ugh,” Schaeffer stumbled in through the door just to get some distance. “I wasn’t talking about you, Maxon,” she sat herself down in a chair by the wall, slapping the papers up on McNamara’s desk. “Although I haven’t seen you without those glasses either.” She gestured to her eyes with a fidgeting hand. “I don’t think either of those are all that uniform,” she crossed her arms, not seeming to want to start a fight, she just seemed like she was stating something on her mind. 

“Well I’m the General and I’ve made exceptions for them in the dress code,” Mcnamara spoke up before anyone could start arguing. 

“Oh well I like my glasses,” Maxon tweaked them. “We have some really bright lights here.”

“But they’re so small!” Schaeffer interrupted like she honestly couldn’t hold that back. “Why do they have to be so small? Why can’t you wear regular sized glasses? Every time I look at you it’s like-“ she laughed, lips turned up in a crooked and slightly unnatural grin. “When’s the next album, John Lennon?”

“Ohh, now Schaeffer,” Mcnamara started to scold. 

“Wear shades, it’s fine, but why not a normal pair?” She inquired, giving both of the soldiers curious looks. “Seriously?”

Xander brushed a finger over the sharper edges of his shades. “Because we aren’t boring.”

“I’m not boring, I’m just following the dress code.” 

“I’ve told you, I made exceptions for them in the dress code, so no problem, right?” Mcnamara butted in again, no matter how good natured their debate, they did have work to be getting around to, and he was in the middle of something with Xander before Schaeffer entered. 

“Yeah, it’s not a crime to wear glasses inside,” Maxon held his hands to the arms of his shades. 

“Oh my god I am not having a god damn kangaroo court on the validity of your glasses. Pack it up, three blind mice,” she waved a dismissive hand in the Major’s direction, turning her back to him to stare at the floor vaguely in McNamara’s direction instead. 

“All rise!” Mcnamara jumped from his chair, palms pressed to his desk just so he didn’t topple over in his excitement. “Did someone say kangaroo court?”

“Yes, I did, and I’m right here it’s not a secret or anything,” Schaeffer turned back in her chair to face the other way until she was met by Maxon and just decided to stare at the floor instead. “We aren’t-“

“Well, if we are can I take Schaeffer up on being so picky about never seeing me without these glasses if I’ve never seen her wear anything but those boots?” Xander cut her off to amuse Mcnamara, who was already truly enjoying his role as the judge. 

“Can I take her up on the way she didn’t rise when you said all rise?” Maxon pitched in to test the waters of their colonel’s short temper.

“Oh my god!” Schaeffer shot out of her chair if only to shed that accusation. “I didn’t think we were actually- hold on, I can wear whatever shoes I like, bastard!” She snapped. 

“Not if you’re gonna try and take us up on it!” Maxon declared playfully, coming to lean over Xander’s shoulder. 

“Fine! Fine! Charges dropped!” She turned to Mcnamara. “Can I drop them?”

“Mmm, affirmative.” He banged one hand down in place of a gavel. “The prosecution?” 

“We would like to sustain our claim,” Xander spoke up for the both of them, one hand raised enthusiastically as Maxon nodded along. “It’s weird that I’ve never seen you wear any other shoes.”

“How is that weird? They’re the uniform boots! You’re wearing them too, Major!” She gestured to Maxon. 

“But you aren’t technically allowed to wear your uniform off duty under the regulations, and you wouldn’t break the regs would you, Colonel Schaeffer?” Xander countered, watching her pale for a split second.

“No, you are you just aren’t allowed to make a bad impression,” she bit back like this particular argument upset her. 

“But according to the regs, a bad impression is anything you do in uniform off duty that involves eating, swearing, smoking or drinking or wearing headphones while off duty, or holding anything in your right hand in case you need to salute. And I find it hard to believe you don’t eat a thing when you’re visiting Hatchetfield overnight. Does the defendant have a counter argument?” He held out a hand to signal it was Schaeffer’s turn and she instantly stammered out an argument.

“Yes I do, actually! Firstly that they’re literally just boots so I think that hardly counts as uniform and also who the hell is gonna recognise me as a solider of a classified - secret - organisation let alone call me out in my fucking friend’s apartment or wherever the hell I am when I’m off duty, which is none of your business, PEIP doesn’t even exist according to the government so if you can set regulation breaks for their dumb glasses you can set regs for my boots!” She was reasonably breathless by the time she was complete, only taking a breath before adding on another comment, “and if anyone out there is that deeply offended by me wearing my god damn boots they can save themselves when the apocalypse fucking hits!”

Mcnamara gulped, at least no one was looking at him as he stood there paralysed. Everyone was staring at the colonel who was still panting from the breath it took to spit that out. “Jury?” He offered it to them. In all of his years of knowing her she had never been that verbose. 

“Well, uh,” Xander adjusted his glasses. “I think that’s for the judge to decide, co counsel?” He turned to Maxon, who seemed to be trying very hard to not laugh at something. “Would you like to say something, Major?”

Maxon was laughing like he knew something he shouldn’t, and was trying to stay out of trouble. “What do you call the rules, Schaeffer?”

“The regs, what do you call them?” She glared, confident she had made her point clear. 

“The full name,” Maxon prompted. “Regulations, say regulations.”

“No, why? Why would I have to? You’re missing the point!” She spat, her cheeks flushing red. 

Maxon tipped his head down like he was scared he was going to get in trouble but was still laughing, unable to hold it back. 

“The court orders you say it, Schaeffer, it’s for evidence,” Mcnamara pursed his lips shut with a shrug that insisted he did not make the rules despite the fact he made all of them. 

“What? Reg-regulations,” she stammered, hands balled up in fists.

“Why did you say it like that the first time?” He tried to keep his laugh from slipping past his clenched teeth. “Why was that uwu speak?”

“Uh- okay! No! That’s my fucking articulation disorder, fuckhead, not your ‘uwu’ speak!” She held her hand to her mouth like she could cover it up, and Maxon slapped a hand to his mouth as if to take it back as fast as he could. “That’s enough, we aren’t dragging that into this shitty half rate court! That’s banned! If we’re gonna pick on the way people speak why are you always shouting Maxon?” 

“You have an articulation disorder? Since when?” Xander held up a hand to stop Maxon from firing back or apologising. 

“Uh- since forever! But it doesn’t fucking show up if I have the time to think about it so maybe you be quiet about my boots and you be quiet about my voice!” She turned to Mcnamara and then to Maxon in turn. “The defence or whatever requests that be left out of the debate!” She ripped her hairtie out of her hair so she could fix her messy ponytail.

“Sustained,” Mcnamara agreed, knocking a hand to his table, it explained a bit, honestly. “A little below the belt Maxon.” 

“I’m so sorry,” he managed to splutter out an apology. “I thought you were just being funny. I didn’t know.”

“Uh, and no I’m not done. You know what else is banned while you’re in uniform? PDA, so what the hell did I just walk in on if you guys are so good at following the rules?” She pointed accusingly at Xander and Mcnamara, and Xander turned his head to McNamara’s shoulder to hide his guilty laugh, and Mcnamara could feel how hot Xander’s skin was. 

Maxon gave a rather high giggle, giving a slight switch in posture so he was more on Schaeffer’s side of the debate since she seemed to be winning. 

“Well I think it is a little bit the General’s business where you are off work,” Maxon did admit. “Considering you’re a colonel and all, but well,” another sheepish laugh, and Mcnamara prepared himself for whatever strike he was going to land on the colonel. “I didn’t know you had a life outside your job.” 

She took in a slight breath, placing her hands behind her back just so she didn’t assault the man. “You know, Maxon? I’m not even gonna humour you with a reply.”

“It’s because that’s true,” Mcnamara supplied the answer, raising an official hand to ask for silence in the court.

Schaeffer lunged at the table with a grimace, shifting the whole desk, Mcnamara took a step back with a laugh. “I’m kidding! I’m kidding! Order in the court!” He smacked his fist to the hardwood until the three of them returned to where they had started. “Although. On the topic, I would like to make an accusation of my own.”

“Can I accuse you of being a bad judge?” Xander snorted. 

“Well I’d actually like to accuse you, Xander, so maybe take that back really quick,” he snorted.

“The judge can’t make accusations!” His skin flushed immediately, knowing Mcnamara had much more insider knowledge than the other two. 

“I’d like to bring Xander to court on account of running half an hour late to our date because he was rearranging his laptops in his labs and couldn’t stop until he was done,” he had already been over it with Xander lightly but it was fun to tease him. 

“Uh! Big deal, John, we’re all neurodivergent in this room I don’t think you can whip out that one!” He rolled his eyes with a dramatic gesture of his hands. 

“Better have been an out of uniform date,” Schaeffer huffed. “I will gladly take you back to court on that PDA thing.”

“Oh it was an out of uniform date alright,” Xander confirmed, only to be elbowed by Mcnamara, who was at least laughing if not very red in the face. 

“I have to leave,” Schaeffer announced mostly to herself as she tried to walk out.

“Furthermore!” Mcnamara tried to speak over Maxon’s immature laughter, but he also had to be loud enough to catch Schaeffer’s attention as she was actively blocking everything out now. “I’d also like to accuse Xander of having me order dinner because he got too anxious to speak to them over the phone!” 

“Hey!” Xander’s jaw dropped.

“No, the jury finds him innocent!” Maxon declared. “Speaking over the phone is terrible, and you don’t even let us have phones on the job so it’s not his fault he isn’t used to talking to strangers!” 

“Yeah!” Xander elbowed him for revenge, crossing his arms and returning to a neutral ground in the middle of McNamara’s office in protest. 

“And why aren’t we allowed to have phones? Can I take Mcnamara to court on that?” He continued, a confident shrug. 

“Oh can we accuse Mcnamara of things now?” Schaeffer perked up. “Because it is so weird he keeps a book in his utility vest! I don’t care how ‘light reading’ it is, no one has time to learn about the strength of the human heart out in the red zone!” She remarked, turning to the others in hopes of finding some support.

“I think you’re just mad ‘caus you can’t read,” Xander clicked his tongue, pouting. 

“I can read!” She shot up from her chair. “I know how to read I just don’t like paperwork, who does!? I know how to read, you don’t have to rub it in that I misspelt ‘necessary’ in an email, it’s a fucking hard word. I know how to read!” She spat.

“Sounds like something someone who didn’t know how to read would say,” Maxon hummed doubtfully.

“I know how to read! I’m forty six!”

“Really? Because that use of ‘literally’ when you came in here would say otherwise,” Xander shook his head.

“If we weren’t in court I would throttle you right now, Lee!” She swore.

“We are all entitled to keep whatever we like in our utility vests, soldiers,” Mcnamara voted himself innocent before any more fun could be poked at him. He was the judge, they were not allowed to do that. He did not like it.

“If we’re so entitled then why don’t you let me have my phone in there?” Maxon jumped in, crossing his arms and tilting his head a little cockily. 

“Okay! No, order in the court.”

“You can’t call ‘order’ when you’re guilty,” Xander smacked a hand on the table. “I’m the judge now. And I’d like to bring to court that time Mcnamara referred to us as ‘peiple’ in his opening speech. That actually haunts me. It wasn’t funny and I didn’t laugh.”

“Aw- wait? You hated it?” Mcnamara was a little crestfallen to hear that.

“Uh! Yes funny, you did laugh! I was there!” Schaeffer was quick to defend her General. “Xander literally - and I know what that means- laughed so hard he had to excuse himself, so, he’s not only lying but he doesn’t appreciate a good joke! Which is a felony at the least!” 

“The jury finds the judge guilty, and I am the new judge, this is Maxon’s courthouse now!” He leant in to take up position by McNamara’s desk, smacking his fists to the table to call for order. 

“Stop stealing it from me. I’m the General I’m the judge! I’ll take you to court for treason!” Mcnamara threatened, smacking his fist to the wood to try and get their attention but they were both stubbornly regarding Maxon now just to rub it in, regardless of any fights the Major had started previously. “Hey! Listen, that’s regicide!”

“And as my first order I would like to accuse General Mcnamara of taking two months to sign off on paperwork I sent him! Hm!?” He spoke triumphantly like that was a card he had hidden up his sleeve. 

“Well maybe you should’ve read the time stamp! AM not PM cut off line, Major!” Mcnamara fired back instantly, knowing exactly what paper Maxon happened to be referring to. “Maybe you should’ve handed it in before the cut off, hm?” He fired back, twice as aggressively as Schaeffer and Xander tried not to laugh over the debate. “Okay, and to be fair, it was a request for new CDs in the rec room that you should’ve bought yourself, and I really don’t think we can spend tax payer money on the new- what was she called-“

“Hah” Schaeffer cackled. “I told you he wasn’t going to get Katy Perry albums for the rec room!” 

“Oh, because everyone in the rec room wants to listen to the Front Bottoms, Schaeffer!” He huffed back, tipping his head up at her and baring his teeth.

“Uh, actually, it was a request for a Cody Johnson album so I don’t know which is worse,” Mcnamara cleared that up rather helpfully.

“There is nothing wrong with cowboys, and I don’t know why you all give me so much slack over that!” She turned her red face to Mcnamara to snap at him now and he laughed in preparation, grounding himself for whatever counter argument she was preparing, but Mcnamara laughed over her. “Better than Xander requesting some musical though, right?”

“Couldn’t be me,” Schaeffer dropped her argument to agree outright.

“Hey!” Xander stammered. “What’s wrong with that!?” 

“Theatre kid,” Maxon snickered, although his own relation to musicals was unclear. 

Mcnamara spared his husband a sympathetic look. “I do love you and support you but musicals are not for the rec room radio, dear.” 

He scoffed, turning away to burn holes into the floor petulantly. “Well what about what you brought to the rec room? You-“

He slapped his desk. “No! You can’t sustain an accusation against the judge.” At least Maxon didn’t try and claim power again. 

“Damn, I was gonna bring up that time we were both CUOs and during the ceremony you-“

“Shut it!” This time as he pounded his fist to the table it was not voluntary, his cheeks hot. “How about after the ceremony when you-“

“I stand by anything I did as a twenty five year old, even if I was the biggest fucking dumbass in the facility. He deserved it!” She shrugged. “If a guy stands on the back of my shoe I will beat the hell out of him. He did it on purpose, and I had just polished them! You, however, if you can do recall the night before your captain ceremony where-“

“Enough!” He snapped, feeling his heart racing. Sometimes there was no benefit to having old friends, but he did not need Maxon and Xander knowing. “I think we’ve had just about enough of this, as the judge I’m adjourning the court!” He smacked his hands three times. “Court adjourned!” 

“Ah,” Schaeffer rolled her eyes, patting the desk. “Just sign those papers. I got them in before the PM,” she shot a teasing look at Maxon as the two of them walked out.

“What happened before his ceremony? I wanna know!” He could hear Maxon whine as they left. 

“That’s between me, him and the grave unfortunately,” Schaeffer informed him reluctantly. 

“Wow,” Xander sighed, finally able to catch his breath from his laughter. “That was a ride.”

“It reminds me why we stopped doing that,” Mcnamara agreed, fixing his hair and readjusting his beret. “Well, I like your funny glasses,” he told Xander. “I don’t trust Schaeffer’s opinions on shapes. Don’t worry about it.” He leant in for a kiss but Xander stopped him. 

“What happened at the night before your Captain’s ceremony?” He questioned instead. 

“Ohh,” he rolled his eyes. “Nothing really. She’s just making a big deal out of it, it’s nothing.”

“It’s something, isn’t it?” Xander teased him, able to read him clear as day. “Tell me!” He encouraged him. “I wanna know!” 

“No!” He snorted, tossing his head and pulling out his chair to show Xander he was getting back to work. “No! Don’t you have work to do in your lab? Don’t you have machines to go organise?” 

Xander rolled his eyes light heartedly, stopping by the door. “I’ll find out one way or another,” he promised before reaching for the door. “I’ll get Schaeffer to tell me.”

“Wait, no!” Mcnamara jumped back up. 

“I’m sure she’ll have no issue sharing!” He called over his shoulder as he left.

“Xander, get back here!” He barked.

But Xander just laughed, sparing him an over the shoulder look before turning the corner to the labs. “Court adjourned!”

**Author's Note:**

> Not me giving Schaeffer an articulation disorder just bc Jaime said the Schaeffer voice made it hard to pronounce words,,,


End file.
